He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
