Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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