I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
