At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
