mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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