the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
