Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
