There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just pee around me
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
