Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
