This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
