I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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