Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
