You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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