Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
