She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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