just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I think i got beer on your cat.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
