Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
