I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
