Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
