I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
