physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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