My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
