I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
