i just wanna soil my oats bro
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
