Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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