i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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