He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
