I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
