if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
