You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
