i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
