her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Randomize
