i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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