I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
