Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
