I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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