Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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