I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
