I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
