the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
