I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
