Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
