you told grandpa to call you daddy
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
