ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The best revenge is premature balding
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
