it hurts more in the daytime
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I would fuck him just for his dog
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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