sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
