i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
