I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
