I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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