i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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