i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
