Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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