Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
