I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
